There is really nothing like a good house party in college. I truly do love bars to death, but I will take a legit house party over a bar everrrrrrrrrry mother fucking time. Now even though I have a horse sized boner for house parties, I have had the unfortunate luck of attending quite a few shitty ones. I'm talking about those claustrophobic sausage fests in shack sized houses that only have like 2 kegs and are impossible to move around in. Plus they are hot as fucking hell, and with my sweat glands this spells disaster. The sad thing is that almost every random ass house party you go to has the potential to possess these shitty qualities. So then what do you do if you find yourself in these situations? There are three options here;
1. Leave, which unless you have another place to go is the gayest option you can choose
2. Get on the pong table and never lose, which is cool, but getting on the pong list can be a bitch if there's like 200 names ahead of you, also if you lose the first game that just fucking sucks
3. RUN THE FUCKING KEG, which if you can guess is my favorite option
I'm telling you, there are few things in college that are as clutch as running the keg at a house party. First off you have total access to the majority, if not all the alcohol at the party. What this means is that has soon as you finish your cup you can give yourself a refill instantly. All of you who have ever been to a kegger and were only able to get like 4 beers because the line for the keg was to long, or because the keg ran out of beer know how fucking amazing this privilege can be
The next perk of seizing control of the keg, is that it is a great way to meet girls. Think about the logic of this, everyone who's at the party, who wants beer, will be coming to you. Whose part of this crowd of thirsty mother fuckers? That’s right, girls. Being at the keg for a good amount of time gives you the opportunity to see what girls are there, and which ones you'd like to hook up with. All it takes is eye contact, a humorous statement, some balls, and maybe just a smile while filling up her cup, to get a girl to notice you. Hell even if you don't start talking to her then, she may remember you the next time you try to start a conversation with her at the party. I'm not saying that I've gotten laid from operating the keg (fuck now that I think about it, probably never) but that's on me, and in the end it's up to you to seal the deal. What I am saying is that with the right game, the keg is a solid spot to open up with girls. Bottom line if you hate opening up with a chick give running the keg a shot for an easy opening opportunity.
The third kick ass aspect of owning the keg is being able to call out people for keg stands. Now at the really packed parties keg stands probably won't happen. However if the party is either just starting or is dying down, keg stands are terrific ways to get the keg flowing, or to kill the massive amount of leftover beer in them. It is a shit ton of fun to call out or volunteer people for keg stands. First off everyone is always down, next it sometimes gets people really fucked up, and it also invites everyone in the room to give a drunk uncoordinated countdown of the seconds the drinker has been up there for, which I find extremely entertaining. I have seen keg stands go wrong though. One occurrence involved Scope at a party sophomore year. This kid had no fucking clue how to properly hold someone up for a keg stand, so when we were first trying to raise this kid up for a keg stand, Scope dropped him on his fucking face. Hilarious yes, but definitely not something that would encourage other people to do keg stands. The absolute worst keg stand blooper was when one of my friends called out the drunkest chick at a party we were at to do one. About 3 seconds in this chick yacks all over the fucking keg, and as a result no one including myself wanted to be around or drink out of the vomit covered aluminum container of beer.
Now I know at some parties running the keg is impossible, because a rep from the house/frat has been delegated that responsibility, or other reasons. What I will say is that the next time you’re at a house party and you see the opportunity to run the keg, fucking jump on it. I guarantee it will make your partying experience much more satisfying.
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