Like most people in the world, I enjoy smoking weed but I would in no way call myself a pothead. It’s not that I consider being a pothead a bad thing, hell some of my favorite people are potheads (and whores), I simply just do not smoke enough to earn that title. Whenever I do smoke though, I find that weed makes a lot of shit that’s already cool like food, music, TV/movies, and jerking off even better. However I have had some bad highs in my time at Albany. Probably the worse was when I hit a bong for the first time, which is a story I plan on sharing at another time. This story is about the first and only time I ever ate a pot cookie.
One weekend junior year two friends from home, Serpico, and Spikes came up to visit, and they brought with them a shit ton of weed. Spikes, Serpico, and Burgundy decided to get into the pot brownie/cookie selling business. I’m not that close with Spikes but apparently the kid was a gifted weed chef, and practically brought up a weed bakery with him that weekend. Burgundy got the word out to potential customers he knew at Albany, and Serpico was an investor (I guess). Even though Spikes baked these products primarily for business I can assure you they were consumed by us for pleasure. Like I said before I’m not a heavy smoker so I was a little apprehensive about eating something that can potentially get me higher than I have ever been. Shit maybe even higher than I was that infamous night I ripped a bong for the first time. In other words I was pretty much being a giant pussy about it. However that Saturday night I decided to man up and try one of Spikes’ delicious weed cookies.
We were planning on going out that night, but Spikes cooked up a full Italian weed dinner for the guys at 258 Ontario. When Blanka, myself and our mute suitemate SilentBob got to the house, everyone inside was high as fuck. These assholes were epically fucking stoned at like 9:00, and this ended any and all possibility of going out. Instead we played some beer pong and chilled, an ok substitute, especially compared to the idea of staying on campus for the night which is fucking awful when you have no work to do.
As the night went on I became more and more curious about just how fucking high these guys were, also I kind of felt left out. I mean have you ever been at a house where all your friends are high as fuck and you’re not? It’s funny at first but then it begins to really fucking suck. This resulted in me buying one of Spikes weed cookies. It was freshly baked and smelled absolutely delicious. I was hungry and haven’t had a fresh baked cookie in years so I absolutely devoured that fucking thing.
I say it took about a half hour before I started feeling anything, in fact I remember the precise moment I began to feel high. We were all chillin on the couch downstairs watching the office, when I began to feel a tingling sensation in my chest. My eyes began to water up and I started smiling like Scarlett Johansson just agreed to have sex with me. Sidenote for all the haters out there, you do not fuck Scarlett Johansson, you make sweet sweet love to her.
Anyway I looked over at Scope and simply said “I’m feeling it”, and it was at that exact moment the two of us just started uncontrollably laughing our asses off. It was pretty legit I felt fucking phenomenal and maybe the highest I have ever been in my life. Blanka, SilentBob and I left the house a little after this hilarious event and headed back to campus. It was then that my high did a fucking 180 on me.
We stopped by our favorite pizza place to grab a few slices and then catch the last bus back to campus. The pizza was fresh, it tasted incredible almost like the pizza back home, and it was exactly what I was in the mood for. It wasn’t until I finished this slice created by God himself that I started seeing shit moving in slow motion. The last time this happened was when I had my bong freak out, so I began to feel a pinch of fear.
When we got on the bus I sat away from Blanka and SilentBob, because I saw an empty seat and was in no shape to stand with them. The bus filled up with drunk motherfuckers from the bars, and at this point I became overwhelmed with paranoia. I saw about 6 different pairs of people making out with each other in slow motion which was a very weird experience, I thought everyone was laughing at me, and knew how fucking high I was. All I wanted was to get back to my dorm and go to sleep. This was the longest most fear filled bus ride of my life. It took for fucking ever, the sign that displayed the street names we were passing looked liked it was also moving in slow motion, which made the bus ride seem to last even longer. I am officially bugging out and just trying to keep it together.
The kid sitting next to me was dead silent the whole ride and I thought he was as high as I was, but I didn’t ask him. I could hear the entire conversation the wasted fucks sitting behind me were having. I turned around and laughed involuntarily when I thought one of them said he was a virgin. This was one of the most awkward moments of my life. For some reason neither one of the kids said anything back to me after that display of assholism, maybe they could tell how high I was. I thought they were going to try and beat the shit out of me when we got off the bus. I was just begging for this fucking ride to end and planned on full out sprinting to my dorm.
Thankfully for what felt like an entire week later, we finally get back to campus. I jump off the bus and fucking dash to my dorm, with Blanka and SilentBob behind me. We get back to our suite and I breathe a sigh of relief, until Blanka started fucking with me.
Blanka absolutely lives to fuck with the people he knows, and at the time he knew me better than anybody else in our suite, so I was his number 1 target. He kept fucking poking me and laughing at me, he was constantly talking shit to me in his retarded South American accent, but the worst act Blanka committed was when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom. Blanka is a well known exhibitionist and would flash us every chance he would get. Another thing I was experiencing during my high was shit superimposing itself in my head every time I closed my eyes. Therefore when Blanka flashed his uncircumcised dick in the mirror, every time I closed my eyes after that, I saw his fucking disgusting cock…it was pure torture. Finally Blanka fucked off, and I was able to fall asleep, but not before I took about 80 pisses because I felt like I was going to piss the bed that night, logical thinking right?
That was my first and only weed food experience; I was still kind of high the next day but it was not nearly as intense. I wouldn’t call the whole experience terrible, only next time I’d stay in one place, and stay around people who don’t enjoy pulling their dicks out.
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