The Importance of Running The Keg 101

There is really nothing like a good house party in college. I truly do love bars to death, but I will take a legit house party over a bar everrrrrrrrrry mother fucking time. Now even though I have a horse sized boner for house parties, I have had the unfortunate luck of attending quite a few shitty ones. I'm talking about those claustrophobic sausage fests in shack sized houses that only have like 2 kegs and are impossible to move around in. Plus they are hot as fucking hell, and with my sweat glands this spells disaster. The sad thing is that almost every random ass house party you go to has the potential to possess these shitty qualities. So then what do you do if you find yourself in these situations? There are three options here;

1. Leave, which unless you have another place to go is the gayest option you can choose

2. Get on the pong table and never lose, which is cool, but getting on the pong list can be a bitch if there's like 200 names ahead of you, also if you lose the first game that just fucking sucks

3. RUN THE FUCKING KEG, which if you can guess is my favorite option

I'm telling you, there are few things in college that are as clutch as running the keg at a house party. First off you have total access to the majority, if not all the alcohol at the party. What this means is that has soon as you finish your cup you can give yourself a refill instantly. All of you who have ever been to a kegger and were only able to get like 4 beers because the line for the keg was to long, or because the keg ran out of beer know how fucking amazing this privilege can be

The next perk of seizing control of the keg, is that it is a great way to meet girls. Think about the logic of this, everyone who's at the party, who wants beer, will be coming to you. Whose part of this crowd of thirsty mother fuckers? That’s right, girls. Being at the keg for a good amount of time gives you the opportunity to see what girls are there, and which ones you'd like to hook up with. All it takes is eye contact, a humorous statement, some balls, and maybe just a smile while filling up her cup, to get a girl to notice you. Hell even if you don't start talking to her then, she may remember you the next time you try to start a conversation with her at the party. I'm not saying that I've gotten laid from operating the keg (fuck now that I think about it, probably never) but that's on me, and in the end it's up to you to seal the deal. What I am saying is that with the right game, the keg is a solid spot to open up with girls. Bottom line if you hate opening up with a chick give running the keg a shot for an easy opening opportunity.

The third kick ass aspect of owning the keg is being able to call out people for keg stands. Now at the really packed parties keg stands probably won't happen. However if the party is either just starting or is dying down, keg stands are terrific ways to get the keg flowing, or to kill the massive amount of leftover beer in them. It is a shit ton of fun to call out or volunteer people for keg stands. First off everyone is always down, next it sometimes gets people really fucked up, and it also invites everyone in the room to give a drunk uncoordinated countdown of the seconds the drinker has been up there for, which I find extremely entertaining. I have seen keg stands go wrong though. One occurrence involved Scope at a party sophomore year. This kid had no fucking clue how to properly hold someone up for a keg stand, so when we were first trying to raise this kid up for a keg stand, Scope dropped him on his fucking face. Hilarious yes, but definitely not something that would encourage other people to do keg stands. The absolute worst keg stand blooper was when one of my friends called out the drunkest chick at a party we were at to do one. About 3 seconds in this chick yacks all over the fucking keg, and as a result no one including myself wanted to be around or drink out of the vomit covered aluminum container of beer.

Now I know at some parties running the keg is impossible, because a rep from the house/frat has been delegated that responsibility, or other reasons. What I will say is that the next time you’re at a house party and you see the opportunity to run the keg, fucking jump on it. I guarantee it will make your partying experience much more satisfying.

Eating Pot Food...Beware of Public Transportation and Brazilians

Like most people in the world, I enjoy smoking weed but I would in no way call myself a pothead. It’s not that I consider being a pothead a bad thing, hell some of my favorite people are potheads (and whores), I simply just do not smoke enough to earn that title. Whenever I do smoke though, I find that weed makes a lot of shit that’s already cool like food, music, TV/movies, and jerking off even better. However I have had some bad highs in my time at Albany. Probably the worse was when I hit a bong for the first time, which is a story I plan on sharing at another time. This story is about the first and only time I ever ate a pot cookie.

One weekend junior year two friends from home, Serpico, and Spikes came up to visit, and they brought with them a shit ton of weed. Spikes, Serpico, and Burgundy decided to get into the pot brownie/cookie selling business. I’m not that close with Spikes but apparently the kid was a gifted weed chef, and practically brought up a weed bakery with him that weekend. Burgundy got the word out to potential customers he knew at Albany, and Serpico was an investor (I guess). Even though Spikes baked these products primarily for business I can assure you they were consumed by us for pleasure. Like I said before I’m not a heavy smoker so I was a little apprehensive about eating something that can potentially get me higher than I have ever been. Shit maybe even higher than I was that infamous night I ripped a bong for the first time. In other words I was pretty much being a giant pussy about it. However that Saturday night I decided to man up and try one of Spikes’ delicious weed cookies.

We were planning on going out that night, but Spikes cooked up a full Italian weed dinner for the guys at 258 Ontario. When Blanka, myself and our mute suitemate SilentBob got to the house, everyone inside was high as fuck. These assholes were epically fucking stoned at like 9:00, and this ended any and all possibility of going out. Instead we played some beer pong and chilled, an ok substitute, especially compared to the idea of staying on campus for the night which is fucking awful when you have no work to do.

As the night went on I became more and more curious about just how fucking high these guys were, also I kind of felt left out. I mean have you ever been at a house where all your friends are high as fuck and you’re not?  It’s funny at first but then it begins to really fucking suck. This resulted in me buying one of Spikes weed cookies. It was freshly baked and smelled absolutely delicious. I was hungry and haven’t had a fresh baked cookie in years so I absolutely devoured that fucking thing.

I say it took about a half hour before I started feeling anything, in fact I remember the precise moment I began to feel high. We were all chillin on the couch downstairs watching the office, when I began to feel a tingling sensation in my chest. My eyes began to water up and I started smiling like Scarlett Johansson just agreed to have sex with me. Sidenote for all the haters out there, you do not fuck Scarlett Johansson, you make sweet sweet love to her.

Anyway I looked over at Scope and simply said “I’m feeling it”, and it was at that exact moment the two of us just started uncontrollably laughing our asses off. It was pretty legit I felt fucking phenomenal and maybe the highest I have ever been in my life. Blanka, SilentBob and I left the house a little after this hilarious event and headed back to campus. It was then that my high did a fucking 180 on me.

We stopped by our favorite pizza place to grab a few slices and then catch the last bus back to campus. The pizza was fresh, it tasted incredible almost like the pizza back home, and it was exactly what I was in the mood for. It wasn’t until I finished this slice created by God himself that I started seeing shit moving in slow motion. The last time this happened was when I had my bong freak out, so I began to feel a pinch of fear.

When we got on the bus I sat away from Blanka and SilentBob, because I saw an empty seat and was in no shape to stand with them. The bus filled up with drunk motherfuckers from the bars, and at this point I became overwhelmed with paranoia. I saw about 6 different pairs of people making out with each other in slow motion which was a very weird experience, I thought everyone was laughing at me, and knew how fucking high I was. All I wanted was to get back to my dorm and go to sleep. This was the longest most fear filled bus ride of my life. It took for fucking ever, the sign that displayed the street names we were passing looked liked it was also moving in slow motion, which made the bus ride seem to last even longer. I am officially bugging out and just trying to keep it together.

The kid sitting next to me was dead silent the whole ride and I thought he was as high as I was, but I didn’t ask him. I could hear the entire conversation the wasted fucks sitting behind me were having. I turned around and laughed involuntarily when I thought one of them said he was a virgin. This was one of the most awkward moments of my life. For some reason neither one of the kids said anything back to me after that display of assholism, maybe they could tell how high I was. I thought they were going to try and beat the shit out of me when we got off the bus. I was just begging for this fucking ride to end and planned on full out sprinting to my dorm.

Thankfully for what felt like an entire week later, we finally get back to campus. I jump off the bus and fucking dash to my dorm, with Blanka and SilentBob behind me.  We get back to our suite and I breathe a sigh of relief, until Blanka started fucking with me.

Blanka absolutely lives to fuck with the people he knows, and at the time he knew me better than anybody else in our suite, so I was his number 1 target. He kept fucking poking me and laughing at me, he was constantly talking shit to me in his retarded South American accent, but the worst act Blanka committed was when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom. Blanka is a well known exhibitionist and would flash us every chance he would get. Another thing I was experiencing during my high was shit superimposing itself in my head every time I closed my eyes. Therefore when Blanka flashed his uncircumcised dick in the mirror, every time I closed my eyes after that, I saw his fucking disgusting cock…it was pure torture. Finally Blanka fucked off, and I was able to fall asleep, but not before I took about 80 pisses because I felt like I was going to piss the bed that night, logical thinking right?

That was my first and only weed food experience; I was still kind of high the next day but it was not nearly as intense. I wouldn’t call the whole experience terrible, only next time I’d stay in one place, and stay around people who don’t enjoy pulling their dicks out.

   

My First Blackout

Spring Break, some call it the greatest week of their lives and others consider it to be highly overrated. I went on Spring Break once in my life, and even though it did not live up to its hype it was a solid trip that is totally worth experiencing. Spring Break was also the first time I ever had tequila. The following is a story about the highly disputed first ever appearance of McMandy. Some say the first time I transformed into McMandy was when I punched a hole in Pro’s wall at a New Years Eve party, and got tossed out. The difference between that night and this story is that I remember that entire humiliating ordeal unfortunately. However as far as the events that occurred on the day booze cruise, I still have no memory of what the fuck happened.


It is senior year of high school I am officially finished with high school sports and looking to let loose for the first time in my life. What better way to do this than by going to the Bahamas on Spring Break with about half my grade. There’s this program GradCity, basically the high school version of StudentCity that helped organize Spring Break trips for huge groups of kids looking to get shithammered and hook up with each other for a whole week. So I signed up, this seemed to shock the girl who was organizing it mainly because I was a straight edged guy back then. Yeah I still can’t believe what I’ve become, I didn’t even drink back in high school, I was motivated, a hard worker, and I liked people. Things change huh?


Before I know it Spring Break was upon us, and we fly out to the mother fucking Bahamas. As soon as we get through customs there was a $1 shot bar, so naturally everyone got shots immediately. That’s basically how it was there, alcohol everywhere, it was very legit. It is true that if you were under 18 you didn’t get served at the hotel bar, but there was a cheap liquor store close by that everyone just went to instead. So regardless of the “tough” restriction on 17 year old drinking, the booze was constantly flowing. Either in the hotel rooms, the hotel lobby, the beach, the shitter, or wherever…booze was ALWAYS present, not to mention girls drunk and in bikinis everywhere. Pretty fucking cool huh.


The second day there, we are told about the option of going snorkeling out in the ocean. I’ve never been snorkeling and the water was to beautiful not to try it, also how many fucking times am I in the Bahamas…never. What makes this story worth telling is that this snorkel cruise also was a booze cruise, in the middle of the afternoon. So when pitched the question, “Hey Andy you want to go snorkeling, and then get wasted on the boat afterwards?”  I simply answer, “Fuck yes”.


So we take a shuttle to the dock and there is the boat. It was some little fucking thing, not a visually stunning boat by any stretch of the imagination, that isn’t important though. The fact that the whole thing was only $5 is. Let me translate, this meant only $5 for snorkeling, food, and yes all the sacred liquor one can drink. For my cheap Jewish ass this was the greatest deal known to man.


The cruise begins, with only one rule; if you drink right away you can’t go snorkeling. So with the exception of a few nobody began drinking until after we went snorkeling. Snorkeling was a cool experience the water was crystal clear, I felt schools of small fishes swimming by my legs, and overall it was very relaxing. This would be my only sober experiences of the day from that point on.


As soon as we got back on the boat, the boozing commenced. Bahama Mommas, and Pineapple Screwdrivers where being guzzled down nonstop by myself and everyone on board, so has you can imagine the level of intoxication was intense, yet still tranquil. It wasn’t until the DJ saw me that shit got crazy for me.


I walked downstairs to the bar with some friends, and the DJ announces a challenge for everyone to drink as many drinks as they possibly can, and as fast as possible. Being the competitor that I am I accept this challenge and continue to pound down Pineapple Screwdrivers at an accelerant rate. After this “contest” I’m staggering, definitely shithammered, and that’s when it happened. Seeing me barley being able to stand on my own two feet, the DJ encourages me to do double shots of tequila and vodka. Entering combatant drinking mode for the first time in my life, I accept this proposal and pound down about 4 shots each of vodka and tequila in about 3 minutes. Looking back the stuff was weak, and in small shot glasses/cups, but regardless I never drank that much before that day and after chugging a celebratory Bahama Mamma in front of everybody because I wanted to feel cool…everything went blank.


When I came to, I was on a beach violently puking. I was being taken care of by some girls I was friends with. I had no idea what the fuck was going on, I felt like pure shit, it didn’t seem real, I thought I was dreaming. After my stomach acids engulfed all of the sand around me, I was taken back on the boat. We get back to our hotel and it was there, that I was given the details about what I did during my first blackout.


Now I like to state that I am still not 100% sure if this was true or not, but isn’t that always the case when you blackout. Anyway apparently, when the boat let us out on this random beach I tried to start a fight with the water. Yes I Andy Mark attempted to have a one on one fist fight with the fucking ocean. Next I proceeded to bawl like I did after the Yanks lost Game 7 of the 2001 World Series and tell everyone my “life’s story”. I still don’t know what the fuck that meant and no one would give me the details which I guess means it was pretty fucking bad and ignorance is bliss. Finally I pulled down the bikini bottom of a girl I was friend with in front of everyone. That one sucked for a few reasons:

1.      I felt really bad because at the time I considered myself good friends with her

2.      I looked like a complete perverted asshole (which I am)

3.      Of all times to pull something as ballsy as that I don’t even remember it, or how her ass looked.

I actually have no idea what to write after recapping this. All I can say is…fucking tequila

Hydrogen Bomb Night

258 Ontario Street, the location of a house in Albany where almost all of the most entertaining, crazy, and eventful nights of my Junior year took place. Basically my entire crew lived there; Burgundy, Harry, Scope, Fat, my R.A. Nick from freshman year, and a chill dude known as Gonzalez. I lived with Blanka that year on campus. We had a solid setup, during the week the guys would come to our place. We’d chill, get food, play video games, and whatever. On weekends we would go downtown to the house booze and head out. That’s where this next story takes place.

It’s the last weekend before finals, the end of the fall semester junior year, December in Albany and fucking freezing. We hit up 258 as usual and plan on getting hammered one last time before the winter break. Things are unusually dead downtown and were not too sure where we are going to go out after. We invite a group of girls over that we’ve been chilling with all semester. Before the girls come Patrick came up with a brilliant idea that would forever make this night memorable. Patrick found a drink online called the hydrogen bomb, it’s basically Four Loko mixed with even more alcohol. We used Four Loko’s cousin Sparks this night and added vodka to the already alcoholic beverage. With the exception of Blanka because he’s a pussy, we all had one. The drink honestly didn’t taste too bad so I was able to chug it quickly. We started playing some beer pong and that’s when I believe everyone began to feel the effects of the infamous Hydrogen Bomb.

A short time later the girls showed up with a 30 rack of bud light. This was one of the most glorious sights my young Jewish eyes have ever seen; just imagine drinking with your boys, and then a group of very good looking chicks show up to your place with beer in hand…I know, fucking beautiful. On top of that there was some dispute between us and these girls because when the year started, they would just come to our place drink our beer, hang out for a little bit and then bounce to a party without us. We started feeling like they were using us and honestly they kind of were. That’s a whole different story though, and them bringing a 30 rack of Bud light to the house was the metaphoric olive branch. With a fresh 30 added to our alcohol inventory the drinking continued with flip cup and more beer pong. At this point I start feeling shithammered, which was highlighted by me belly dancing/stripping as a distraction for beer pong.

An hour later the Hydrogen Bomb snagged its first victim, Fat. Fat was sitting down on the couch and just passes out…with his shoes on. That is all it took for us to start fucking with him. Burgundy and Scope start drawing dicks and other things on his face, I think Blanka was poking him and shit, and then I believe it was either Patrick or Harry who dumped an entire packet of hot chocolate mix on him. Fat was fucking covered and still managed to wake up and proceed to go out, without washing the dicks off his face. It was at this point where I blackout.

I do not remember leaving the house, I do not remember walking down the stairs, and I sure as shit don’t remember how I ended up by myself on Hudson, which fortunately was only around the corner from the house. When I came to I was alone drunk and sweating. Realizing I was alone I quickly turn around and head towards the house. As soon as I do this I completely wipe out on the icy side walk. I’m talking about full out slipping and falling hard on my back, on the concrete and ice. Feeling an intense amount of pain I slowly got up and continued staggering to the house, this next part is still kind of blurry. There’s a convenience store on the corner of Ontario and Hudson called Pine Hills, and it’s basically the pre/post party spot in Albany. I walk in for some reason, I don’t remember, probably to get a sandwich or something and I started talking to this girl. The very next thing I remember is us hooking up outside. Knowing me I probably interpreted “nice meeting you” for “lets hook up” and just moved in for the kiss. The only thing I remember about her was that she had blonde hair, but thinking about the scenario she was probably fat. After that odd yet cool encounter I looked at my phone and had a text from Scope saying they were heading to a bar called the Garage. I know where the place is and started heading over, only to wipe out on the ice yet again.

When I get back up I received another text, this time from Burgundy. The text read, “Are you with Harry? Is he still alive?” I laugh my ass off to this. As soon as I look up I see a Jewfro making its way down the street in front of me. It was undoubtedly Harry, and the kid was fucking wrecked. I catch up to him; he turns around and points to any alley, and motions to follow him there. Once in the alley he mutters keep a look out and proceeds to puke all over this building. It was hilarious and Harry did not remember any of it, fucking hydrogen bomb.

Needless to say we never made it to the bar but went back to 258 instead. We get back there and find the other guys and some of the girls there too. Apparently the girls couldn’t get into the Garage, and Fat covered in dick drawings tried to persuade the bouncer to let the girls in. Obviously this did not work. Back at the house Fat goes to his room and passes the fuck out. After smoking some weed and still feeling the effects of the hydrogen bomb, Burgundy comes up with a genius idea. It was about 5 am so the girls and I began to head back to the dorms. As we are leaving I see Burgundy, Scope, Patrick, and Harry removing everything from Fat’s room. The living room was filled with all of Fat’s stuff, and the guy slept through all of it.  Fuck did I wish I was there that morning. I was told the next day that Fat woke up ran into Scope’s room screaming they were robbed only to find all his shit in the living room. I still wonder what the look on his face was like.

In the end the hydrogen bomb got us fucking annihilated and it took all of us to fully piece together the events of that night. I had a giant bump on my head from hitting the concrete so many times, and some other bruises on my elbows. I don’t know if we’ll ever drink hydrogen bombs again, but if we do I’m taking some fucking pictures.

5 Random Ass Movies Worth Seeing

I’m a man of simple pleasures. Sports, good food, booze, drugs, and women are the things I love most in this crazy world we live in. If I had to add another vice to this list it would have to be movies, I fucking love movies. Below is a short list of five random ass, relatively recent movies that I found to be very well made, highly entertaining, and under the radar. I’m not saying these movies are the greatest movies of all time, but if you ever catch them on TV or find them online I highly suggest checking them out.

1.       The Chumscrubber (2005):

I would describe The Chumscrubber as Alpha Dog meets American Beauty. It’s a dark comedy set in a fake suburban California valley town. The Chumscrubber features prescription drugs, overly medicated borderline psychotic high school kids, parents who are completely selfish and disconnected from their kids, plus a twisted view of the fucked up world that is suburbia. The only person I recognized in this movie was William Fitchtner. I caught this flick at like 2 am on HBO and it blew my fucking mind

2.        George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead (2007):

George A, Romero is arguably the big dick king of zombie movies, and Diary of the Dead strongly supports that disputed title. It’s a first person view almost mockumentry (fake documentary for you fucktards out there) of college kids and their film professor trying to survive the zombacalypse. Very cool concept and a solid zombie movie, Diary of the Dead also examines how fucking addicted we are to the media and its constant display of violence.

3.       Wasted (2006):

Wasted is an independent “coming of age” flick that features three guys reuniting to bury one of their close friends. It’s basically like the Big Chill but a lot less 80s. It stars Finch from American Pie, Sunshine from Remember the Titans, and some other douche bag who’s not in anything worth mentioning. The movie also has a solid acoustical guitar soundtrack if you’re into that like I am. The quote shown in the opening scene really hit me spot on; “Youth is wasted on the young”

4.       The Rules of Attraction (2002)

Never read the book but if it’s anything like this movie I need to hit up Barnes and Noble. The Rules of Attraction is fucking incredible. A college movie that’s not a comedy, my words will not do this film justice. This movie features drugs, partying, more drugs, sex, even more drugs, a pinch of suicide, a shit ton of booze, and one of the fastest monologues about a trip to Europe ever. There are some gay scenes in this flick but it is nicely countered by plenty of tits, and Jessica Biel. Not a normal college film by any stretch of the imagination, and is truly worth watching.

5.       25^th Hour (2002)

 25^th Hour was the only book I read cover to cover back in high school and the movie is equally as good. To give a quick description the movie features a convicted drug dealer in New York, on his last day before going to prison for seven years. Directed surprisingly by Spike Lee (surprising because I didn’t feel guilty about being white afterwards) the 25^th Hour stars an extremely talented cast; Edward Norton (one of my all time favorites), Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Barry Pepper just to name a few. If you claim to love movies you 100% NEED TO SEE THIS FILM.

The next time I’m high or have free time (which should be soon) I’ll create another list of random ass movies worth seeing