Fountain Day

Fountain day is a cherished tradition at SUNY Albany, and it really is the only event that makes this school unique. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this campus wide event of drunken debauchery, Fountain day is when the giant fountain in the middle of our campus is turned back on for the spring and summer seasons. This momentous occasion typically takes place at the end of April because that’s usually when Albany stops being so fucking cold. Fountain day is an unbelievable experience it’s like a colossal pool party with every member of the student body. I would describe it as a week of spring break beach parties concentrated into one shitfaced afternoon. I am sad to say that due to the douche bags who don’t know how to celebrate Kegs N’ Eggs properly, the university has cancelled Fountain day. My final year in Albany and I get denied one last Fountain day because some dickheads decide to smash up some fucking cars. This is equivalent to having your football season cancelled senior year of High School. I have decided that in memory of this glorious Albany holiday, to write about my favorite and tragically final Fountain day.

Junior year, spring semester (no shit), Fountain day has finally arrived and even though the weather is shitty outside we are all pumped for this day of boozing and mayhem. For the first time that year Blanka and I are hosting the boozing session. We would always automatically start drinking at the guy’s house, good ole’ 258 Ontario, but Fountain day is an on campus event meaning we needed an on campus location to pregame at, which was me and Blanka’s suite. It was the usual crew of Burgundy, Fat, Scope, Harry, and of course the rest of my suite that day. The 258 crew came through bearing gifts of precious alcohol. All they had with them was about half a handle of Vodka, which was OK, I mean I don’t like getting too hammered on Fountain day. Mainly because I am only able to recall about five minutes of my freshman year Fountain day, thanks to having absolutely nothing in my system but shots of crystal palace. I find this to be unacceptable.

Here's me on my 1st Fountain day with Dee and co.

                                          

Harry however brought with him his own small stash of additional booze, which he sort of shared with us, but was mainly consumed by him. This stash consisted of two cans of grape flavored 4 Loko, the preferred drink of Satan himself. I find that shit to be absolutely disgusting, last semester was the first time I had a full one to myself on top of a usual night of boozing and I ended up violently vomiting that night. Anyway about an hour later all the booze was gone including the two 4 Lokos. The majority of us were feeling a decent drunk, but Harry was shithammered. You can always tell when Harry is really drunk because he can’t control the volume of his voice at that level of intoxication. While we made our way towards the festivities the entire quad was able to hear everything Harry was saying loud and slurry.

We get on line to enter the event, I see one kid get removed by security for being too drunk, and then we all laughed at him while he proceeded to puke his guts out on the grass. I was a little worried about Harry being able to make it in, but he’s only a loud drunk not a falling flat on my face drunk (well not usually). We all get in, and in a blink of an eye Harry fucking disappears, did not see him for the rest of the day. That was how Fountain day usually went down for me, friend after friend would just disappear into the madness. Fountain day is also the only day where SUNY Albany turns into fucking Miami U, nothing but hot college girls in bikinis everywhere you looked. The weather was shitty that day but the scenery was top notch. God I’m going to miss the shit out of Fountain day.

We head down to the main area where the fountain was, and where the real party was happening. Nothing but beach balls, flying flip flops, and of course completely trashed Albany kids occupied the area. I get into the pool area that surrounded the main fountain and immediately get handed a beach ball by Scope. I start pegging everyone I saw and was hit back multiple times in retaliation. I see a Japanese kid and scream “HIROSHIMA!!” before launching a beach ball right at his dome. Yes poor choice of words, but I was kind of drunk and found it amusing so fuck off. In the corner of my eye I notice the hot friend of a girl Scope used to hook up with. She was looking kind of pissed, either because she kept getting hit with beach balls or was just really cold. She's was looking good in her wet white Fountain day t-shirt and booty shorts, so I decided to go over and say hi. The way I say hi to random girls I know on Fountain day is by tackling them into the water, which is exactly what I did to her. The look on her face was a combination of shock, anger and pain. I guess she has a soft spot for me because she didn't do anything except scream "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!" I laugh at her and stumble away.

After some intense beach ball warfare and water tackling, I see this incredibly gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a black tank top and a pair of tiny white short shorts which were already becoming see-through from the water. I thought she knew me from a previous flirtatious encounter of mine because she hugs me immediately and says “it feels soooo good to hug you right now”. That all it took, I was hard and ready to make a move. I disappeared from my friends and went off with this blonde bombshell into the crowd. Some incoherent drunk flirting later and we start hooking up in the water, this was the fastest I’ve ever went from not knowing a girl to hooking up her. Looking back she was probably on ecstasy or something but come on don’t hate, it was only first base.

I follow this most likely drugged out blonde back to where her friends were, which happened to be in the middle of the fountain. She had this one friend, an extremely attractive brunette wearing a little pink bikini with a fantastic body. She was standing on the fountain itself which wasn’t turned on yet, so I was eye level with her ass. I introduce myself (don’t remember her name so I’ll just call her Pink Bikini Girl) and the two of us decided to form a beach ball throwing team. I would grab any beach ball I saw floating around, hand it to her and she would peg any unsuspecting victim. I saw Burgundy and Blanka doing the same thing with some chick nearby so I instructed Pink Bikini Girl to aim for them. I don’t know if she hit any of them but who cares, what happened next is a moment that still gives me wood.

The blonde girl I hooked up joined Pink Bikini Girl on the fountain and the two of them began grinding on each other to the music that was blasting. The duo then faced back to back and began rubbing their lovely asses together. It was at this point that I drove my face into the middle this glorious sight and had both of their asses rubbing against my face. They didn’t care and began rubbing both of their butts in my face even more. Tears are coming to my eyes as I write about this for it was one of my all time top Albany moments.

Eventually the blonde girl came down from dancing with her friend, and the two of us began making out again. I had a feeling of pure lustful euphoria until one of her other ugly friends took her away shortly after, WHAT A BITCH. Then again I was hooking up with her friend who most likely had no idea what was going on so she may have had a legit reason to do what she did.

About an hour later I find another girl I’m friends with in the middle of the fountain. We talk for a little when the fountain finally turns on, to the roar a very enthusiastic student body.  At this point everyone is going even crazier than before as beach balls and flip flops begin to fly through the air at an even higher volume. Every single girl who was riding on top of shoulders were being shouted at, “Show Your Tits!” by the belligerent crowd. Those who did not comply were met with hundreds of beach balls tossed directly at them.

Freezing cold water crashes down on my head, and I had reached the breaking point of my tolerance for the cold. I usually love getting soaked with water and shit like that but the weather was way too fucking cold and I simply could not handle it. I jump out of the fountain totally ditching my friend and head for cover to recuperate. I look out at the sight of hundreds of wasted students, and bikini babes surrounding the fountain, chanting our school’s name and tossing around everything in sight. This is a sight I will sadly never see again but will always remember.

That was my favorite and final Fountain day, a beloved tradition that will be sorely missed and can never truly be replaced. Just to give everyone a visual look of what Fountain day was like, here is a video I stole from YouTube.

 R.I.P. Fountain Day my favorite college celebration

Kegs N Eggs Freshman Year Part 2

Saturday Night (Post Kegs N Eggs)

I’m woken up by a foul smelling odor, an odor that I became very familiar with that weekend. It was stale beer. My clothes were drenched in the stuff, so were Harry’s, and so were some of Dee’s that were left in the room. My shoes were disgustingly filthy and had to be disposed of considering what I was stepping in that morning. No amount of Febreze would kill this stench, and it would occupy our room for the next week. Oh well I guess that’s what happens when you get shithammered in the morning, and of course douse yourself and your friends with pitchers of Keystone Light. I look at my phone, it’s around dinner time, and I am fucking starving. I round up the guys and we sadly go get our first meal of the day, well if you don’t count the beer as a meal.

During dinner everyone decides there is no way we are not drinking that night, I mean come on why not. I think Linus and ROFL brought a handle of Svedka up with them. We pre-gamed with that and only that, no one wanted to taste beer for the rest of the weekend. A typical pregame session later and we headed back downtown to booze for the third time in 24 hours. Bogies, another underage bar was our destination that evening, back then they didn’t give a fuck if you were under 21 or not they served everybody. The bar itself is a little shady but that night it was legit, tons of good looking girls, wearing close to nothing, shaking their beautiful asses populated the dance floor, the music was solid for a nice change of pace too. A few mixed drinks later and we were out on the floor, as a group just dancing like a bunch of drunk fucking retards. As soon as the song Shipping Up to Boston came on, the dance floor turned into a full out mosh pit. There’s something about hearing that song on the day of Kegs N Eggs that just set everybody off into a violent frenzy, it was quite an experience.

I left the dance floor to catch my breath when I met this very attractive girl who was visiting for the weekend, I’ll refer to her as NYU. I was fucking wasted when I met NYU so I don’t remember to many details about her, only that she was skinny, a brunette, and was wearing tight jeans. She seemed into me and because she had a vagina I was into her. After some casual, yet semi-aggressive flirting, we all leave the bar to catch a cab. NYU and her friends picked up Chinese food while my crew tried to flag down a cab. All of us pile into the cab with NYU on my lap, eating fried rice and sesame chicken. It smelled delicious and without asking NYU began feeding it to me, and then she began making out with me, wifey material right there mofos.

For the first time in my life I had hooked up with two different random girls in one day, I felt on top of the world. Once the cab got back to campus Burgundy and the guys headed back to Montauk and I sat on a bench with NYU just talking, trying to seal the deal. Unfortunately for me her overly protective gay friend was there and cock blocked the living shit out of me. Mother fucker, but what was I going to do commit a hate crime to get laid…maybe, but why ruin the weekend. Sometimes I feel like getting with girls is like baseball, you could do all the right things at the plate but end up hitting a hard line drive right to the fucking shortstop. I made solid contact with NYU that night but ended up walking back to my dugout with my head down.  

I headed back upstairs…alone…where everyone was playing our favorite game super smash brothers. ROFL still had some weed left and threw out the idea of blazing. It was 4:30 in the morning but for some reason everyone was down. ROFL, Linus, Turtle, Burgundy, Harry and I went out into the Indian Quad court yard lit two blunts and passed them around. Stupid yes, but with the exception of a few drunk kids the place was deserted so we were in clear. We finished the blunts and went back to playing smash; it was 5 am, what the fuck was wrong with us. Then again shit like that is what makes Kegs N Eggs a weekend like no other.

Sunday (Recovery Day)

Sundays are usually reserved for recovering from the rest of the weekend, and let me tell you we all desperately needed that Sunday to recoup. Sleep late, eat a couple of meals throughout the day, play some video games, and have NO BOOZE, all of which are the necessary elements to a perfect recovery day. ROFL and Linus were in no shape to go back home that day, what they were in shape for however, was to smoke more weed. Yes ROFL decided that we must finish all of the weed he had brought up with him that weekend.

Around 8pm ROFL rolls the final blunt, the question is where do we smoke it? You know where we decided to smoke this Sunday blunt? My fucking dorm room. I don’t know why or how it came down to that, probably one of the dumbest fucking things I have ever done in college. We are all sensible guys but for some reason I was the only one who was concerned about smoking a blunt in my dorm room, even Harry didn’t give a fuck. I ended up giving into peer pressure though, and just went along with it we figured as long as we cover the smoke detector, the bottom of the door, and blow the smoke into a spoof out the window, we would be fine.

The weed session ends and we are all severely fucking baked, I mean we looked like we were straight out of a stoner catalog. To enjoy our high even more we decided to go see Semi-Pro at the mall. Harry didn’t make it and spent the night passed out in Giggles’ room. Once we get to the mall we immediately ambush the concession stands, I had never spent so much money on food at a movie theater but when you’re that high you don’t give a shit. At the time the movie I thought the movie was hilarious, but this was mainly because of the weed, I love Will Ferrell but Semi-Pro was probably one of his weakest movie .

After the movie it was around midnight, and we found ourselves stranded at the mall, (since the buses stopped running earlier on Sundays as I mentioned in “The Luckiest Night of My Life” story). My high wore off when I became aware of this and I began to panic, but EVERYONE ELSE WAS STILL FUCKING HIGH. While I tried calling every cab number I knew, they all just sat down and laughed at me…dickheads. Every number I called, even Mike the Cab driver were not answering, and this was pissing me off. This infuriating experience came to an end at about 1 am when we finally catch a cab and head back to campus. The guys went to sleep as soon as we returned, but I had a midterm the next day so I had to stay up for almost the entire night studying. That is how this wild weekend came to a close for me.

I’m going to throw out some roughly estimated statistics from this weekend just to drive the point home of how fucking off the wall it was:

Weekend Statistics 3/14/08-3/17/08

Times gone downtown: 3
Number of bars entered: 4
Blunts smoked: 5
Girls flirted with: 78
Girls I actually hooked up with: 2
Money spent: approx $140
Number of times puking: 2
Hours slept: 17
Alcohol consumed : 1 handle of vodka, approximately 4-7 mixed drinks each, and at least 15 pitchers worth of beer

Kegs N Eggs Freshman Year Part 1

This past weekend I celebrated my final Kegs N Eggs as a student here at SUNY Albany. For those of you who are not familiar with this glorious holiday, Kegs N Eggs occurs the weekend before St. Paddy's day, and entails an insane amount of drinking starting at like 6 am. If you’re a fucking lunatic you can also start drinking that Friday night and into the morning. Although this year may have been the most chaotic Kegs N Eggs ever (based on the videos I’ve been watching all day online) and I had a phenomenal time, on a personal level it COMPLETLEY FAILS in comparison to the weekend of my first Kegs N Eggs my freshman year. To this day that weekend is still one of the most absurd, awesome, and out of control weekends I have ever had in my life. It all started that Friday night at around 7pm…

Friday night (Kegs N Eggs Eve)

We start the night off by heading to a happy hour at one our favorite bars. We were with some frat guys who lived on our floor and were planning to go to their house after a few beers for Burgundy’s first ever blunt. The guy had never smoked before and everyone on our floor knew this, so we were all excited for this “highly” anticipated blaze session. We get to the frat house at around 9ish, where one of the frat guys, and our friend who was visiting, ROFL, rolled two fat blunts to pass around. ROFL lit the first blunt took a hit and passed it to Burgundy. Burgundy took about two hits and started coughing his lungs out, as pretty much everyone does their first time. A few seconds later he falls off the couch onto the carpet laughing his ass off. They say you don’t get high the first time you smoke, but Burgundy sure as hell seemed it. We spent the rest of that night doing the usual shit you do when you’re high:

·         playing video games

·         going on the Internet and looking at stupid shit

·         blasting music while staring at the visualizer on windows media player

·         Having  dumb ass conversations about anything

·         and of course getting some fantastic calzones from D.P. Dough

It was around 12:30 when we got back to the dorms, which left us enough time to catch some solid weed induced sleep, before waking up ridiculously early to take part in our first ever Kegs N Eggs.

Saturday morning (Kegs N Eggs)

A little passed 5 am Burgundy wakes up Harry and I for a morning of heavy binge drinking. Our usual wake up time on Saturdays that semester was usually around 4 in the afternoon, so seeing this hour on that day was quite bizarre, then again so is the concept of Kegs N Eggs. I don’t know if it was because of all the excitement I had for this long awaited morning of boozing but I woke up right away and began getting ready. Suddenly it hit me…the buses don’t run at that time of day and with all the people going downtown from the campus that morning, getting a cab was going to fucking suck. I bring up my concerns to Harry, who had a solution to this predicament. Harry had a number for Mike the cab driver, an independent cab driver who had driven us back from downtown several times before. This 70 year old dude was out of his mind, hilarious, but fucking insane. Mike would tell us all about the great pleasures of occasional “road head” from random girls, and other stories about all the “drunk mother fuckers” he would pick up throughout the years. I wish I had a video of this guy ranting, that shit would sell.

A brief call later and Mike was outside in a matter of minutes ready to take us to Michaels for an all morning open bar. Michaels was one of the best underage bars in Albany, it got shut down my sophomore year and has been seriously missed. We get downtown around 630 and the place was a zoo. People were EVERYWHERE decked out in green, drinking, and totally trashed. The line to Michaels wasn’t too bad but pretty long for 6:30 in the fucking morning, just another odd commonality of Kegs N Eggs. We get into Michaels and simply put, it was packed up the ass. The occupants were other dudes like me and tons of hot girls in slutty Kegs N Eggs gear. I had never seen so much green spandex in my life and it was a beautiful sight. I fight my way through this crowd and as soon as I get to the bar I ask for a beer. The smokeshow bartender who was only wearing a tight white t-shirt and green booty shorts sprays me in the face with Keystone. This was awesome and sucked at the same time because I didn’t see it coming at all. I finally get my hands on some cups and a pitcher, and started pounding down beers with my friends.

Around 8 am I think I was 2 pitchers in, when I started to feel that way too familiar combination of drunkenness and uncomfortable fullness. I decided it was a good time to take a breather so I try to make my way from the bar and back to my friends. As I made my way through the max capacity crowd I get elbowed reallllly fucking hard in the stomach. This was all it took to push me over the limit, I see a garbage pail and full out barf right into it, in front of all of my friends no less, who proceeded to mock and laugh at me. I had managed to get some puke in my pitcher and had to throw it away. Even though I had to toss that pitcher, ROFL and Harry had luckily acquired pitchers as well. Once I recovered the beer chugging continued.

Another hour or so pass and we are all completely annihilated, fucking shit hammered at like 9 in the morning. I doubt there was one sober person at Michaels the dance floor was going absolutely wild. The men’s bathroom floor was a colossal puddle that consisted of beer and every bodily fluid known to man with the exception of maybe blood. We got to the point where instead of drinking our beer we just poured it on each other and other people in the bar. I swear Kegs N Eggs is the only day you can do this and people love you for it. The only part about this that sucked was when Linus poured the beer down my nose instead of my mouth. Fucking idiot that shit burned, but hey I won’t hate we were all severely retarded that morning.

I see a girl I know with her friends, one of which was a short slightly chubby cute girl wearing a denim skirt and a black homemade Kegs N Eggs shirt, Dee. After some drunken small talk Dee and I start to dance and then make out. We actually dated for like two months afterwards, ahh Kegs N Eggs where Andy Mark finds love. At 1130 the day is over and the bouncers of Michaels begin to kick everyone out. Now Albany is usually pretty cold this time in March and being soaked in beer intensified the shit out of this cold. This was also the first time I had ever seen downtown Albany in the daylight. We catch the bus with Dee and her friends, and head back to the dorms. While walking back to the dorms one of Dee’s friends runs through the campus center and comes across a tour group. I wish I could have seen the looks on those parents’ faces. Imagine you’re trying to figure out where to send your first born child to college, a big decision for any parent. You come to a school you are seriously considering, and while on a tour you see a drunk girl wearing a slutty outfit, covered in beer at 1130 am. Only on Kegs N Eggs my friends only on Kegs N Eggs.

I bring Dee back to my place we hook up some more, get undressed but only down to our underwear and fool around a little too. She was not going to let me bang her within two hours of meeting her unfortunately, I didn’t mind though, plus I was exhausted so we both pass out for a couple of hours. I walk Dee back to her room after this short nap, come back to my room and fall asleep for another hour or two. It was 3 pm, in another 6 hours we would begin drinking again.

My Return to Standup Comedy

This past Thursday I finally returned to the world of standup comedy. I may have listened to Not Afraid by Eminem a thousand times that day before heading to the open mic spot with Burgundy. 10 months have passed since the last time I performed a standup routine, and for a while there I thought I’d never get back up on stage. I had reason after reason for not performing, but in reality those “reasons” were just excuses. Pursue your dreams, there’s never any shame in trying. This is the new mentality I have come to embrace with comedy. It’s true I may not be the funniest fuck who ever lived, and I have a long difficult road ahead of me if I want any type of a career to come from this. I’ll face all of these challenges though, because I have never felt such an intense passion for anything else in my life. I didn't exactly kill it up there that night and it was a small crowd. I don't care about how I did though, the only thing that mattered to me was getting back on stage. I had originally intended to post the actual video here but the blog video uploader is bitching out. Instead I will post the link to my performance on youtube if you want to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1kzE6otyaY

Hopefully this is just the beginning