Freshman year, end of the fall semester, I hit up a house party with one of my better friends from the third floor of Montauk hall, Slayer. Slayer was only in Albany for that first semester before he transferred to Binghamton. We had a lot in common, we wrestled in high school, were loud, loved to booze, and loved hitting on girls. With all of these similar characteristics we became close friends. Slayer was the kind of guy who takes some getting used to. In the beginning of the year not a lot of people liked him because of all the shit he would say and do. In those first few months the majority of Montauk thought he was a poser who talked big game but couldn’t back it up. However towards the end of his time on our floor, we saw him for who he truly was, just a very confident dude, who acted over the top in the name of good humor.
Back to the story, Slayer and I hit up this one random house party with the intention of doing two things; get fucked up, and get girls. The party wasn’t too packed so getting beer was easy. Instead of a keg there was a bar in the house that served one thing and one thing only, keystone light cans. Slayer and I pounded down about twelve or more of these cans before we saw a group of girls we were familiar with. We go up to them and engage in drunk conversation, until I notice a girl with them I hadn’t met before, Kathy. Kathy was an average looking chick, not really too attractive, and she was taller than me. These features have never prevented me from hitting on a chick before that night, and they never will. Kathy was fair game though so I was competing with Slayer over her. It was a friendly competition between the two of us dropping whatever pathetic game we had, which miraculously made an impact on her. This is a fact that to this day amazes me. I do remember the exact line I used that landed me the victory. No bullshit these were the words I said verbatim “You know they say that guys from Bellmore are the best kissers.” If you are sitting there thinking no fucking way, you are not alone because I still can’t believe that retarded line worked. Just like that, a solid shithammered make out session commenced. I don’t remember what Slayer’s reaction was but I don’t think he cared; he just went after the next girl which is what I would have done too. That’s the beauty of competing for random girls with your friends, unless an insanely dick move is made, there is rarely any bad blood.
So I leave the party with Kathy, and we proceed towards the bus stop to go back to her place. At least that was my intention at the time. We get on the bus and start heading uptown when it hits me, I reallllllly needed to fucking piss. I refused to go to the bathroom throughout the whole time Slayer and I were competing for Kathy. This was because I feared that he’d win if I left the two of them alone. With all those beers still in my system, I was on the verge of pissing myself. When you’re really drunk and need to pee it is 5 million times worst than when you’re sober. I think Kathy can tell how badly I needed to go because of how much I was squirming next to her. She may have taken this the wrong way because that’s when she pulled the old cell phone move. For those of you who are not familiar with the cell phone move, it is when you are talking to a girl, when she takes out her phone, and pretends to talk on it so she doesn’t have to talk to you. I was too drunk at the time to see the significance of this and thusly ignored it, still believing I had a shot of having sex with her that night. It was because of this that I continued to hold it in.
We finally get to campus, now it bears mentioning that the bus sometimes makes one stop on campus before it gets to the stop by the dorms. I jump off the bus at that first stop thinking we were at dorms and immediately begin pissing in a bush. The beginning of that piss was incredible such an intense feeling of relieve. This euphoric sensation would soon be erased when the fucking bus began to leave with Kathy still on it. I scream out “FUUUUUUUUCK WAIT FOR ME!!!” and try to flag it down with my pants down and cock out, which was to no avail. I begin to panic now realizing that my hopes of getting laid were slowly going down the drain. I sprint towards the dorm trying to beat the bus. I climb a fence in order to take a short cut, and instead stab my palm on the top of the metal fence and full off of it. I get to my feet, completely fucking filthy and proceed with my mission. Kathy told me where she lived earlier that night so I knew exactly where to go. I eventually get to her dorm, and knock on her door. She answers it only to see me standing there covered in dirt, a little bit of blood, probably some urine, and of course tons of sweat, also completely wasted. Having no regard for the way I looked and smelled I still tried to convince this girl to have sex with me. Needless to say I ended up back in my room all alone.
Basically my love and primal instinct of pissing anywhere in public turned a solid night, into a disastrous one. I never heard from that girl again and can’t say that I’m surprised, but hey you know what they say “When you gotta go you gotta go”.
No comments:
Post a Comment