The Worst Piss Ever

I have probably pissed on every street in the downtown area of Albany, and luckily I have never been caught by the cops. Every time I urinate on those dirty streets I think to myself “This is one of the greatest things about being a guy”. Taking a piss in public is one of the more enjoyable activities I partake in, but there was one outdoor leak I took that, really fucked me over bad. This is the story behind my worst piss ever.

Freshman year, end of the fall semester, I hit up a house party with one of my better friends from the third floor of Montauk hall, Slayer. Slayer was only in Albany for that first semester before he transferred to Binghamton. We had a lot in common, we wrestled in high school, were loud, loved to booze, and loved hitting on girls. With all of these similar characteristics we became close friends. Slayer was the kind of guy who takes some getting used to. In the beginning of the year not a lot of people liked him because of all the shit he would say and do. In those first few months the majority of Montauk thought he was a poser who talked big game but couldn’t back it up. However towards the end of his time on our floor, we saw him for who he truly was, just a very confident dude, who acted over the top in the name of good humor.

Back to the story, Slayer and I hit up this one random house party with the intention of doing two things; get fucked up, and get girls. The party wasn’t too packed so getting beer was easy. Instead of a keg there was a bar in the house that served one thing and one thing only, keystone light cans. Slayer and I pounded down about twelve or more of these cans before we saw a group of girls we were familiar with. We go up to them and engage in drunk conversation, until I notice a girl with them I hadn’t met before, Kathy. Kathy was an average looking chick, not really too attractive, and she was taller than me. These features have never prevented me from hitting on a chick before that night, and they never will. Kathy was fair game though so I was competing with Slayer over her. It was a friendly competition between the two of us dropping whatever pathetic game we had, which miraculously made an impact on her. This is a fact that to this day amazes me. I do remember the exact line I used that landed me the victory. No bullshit these were the words I said verbatim “You know they say that guys from Bellmore are the best kissers.” If you are sitting there thinking no fucking way, you are not alone because I still can’t believe that retarded line worked. Just like that, a solid shithammered make out session commenced. I don’t remember what Slayer’s reaction was but I don’t think he cared; he just went after the next girl which is what I would have done too. That’s the beauty of competing for random girls with your friends, unless an insanely dick move is made, there is rarely any bad blood.

So I leave the party with Kathy, and we proceed towards the bus stop to go back to her place. At least that was my intention at the time. We get on the bus and start heading uptown when it hits me, I reallllllly needed to fucking piss. I refused to go to the bathroom throughout the whole time Slayer and I were competing for Kathy. This was because I feared that he’d win if I left the two of them alone. With all those beers still in my system, I was on the verge of pissing myself. When you’re really drunk and need to pee it is 5 million times worst than when you’re sober.  I think Kathy can tell how badly I needed to go because of how much I was squirming next to her. She may have taken this the wrong way because that’s when she pulled the old cell phone move. For those of you who are not familiar with the cell phone move, it is when you are talking to a girl, when she takes out her phone, and pretends to talk on it so she doesn’t have to talk to you. I was too drunk at the time to see the significance of this and thusly ignored it, still believing I had a shot of having sex with her that night. It was because of this that I continued to hold it in.

We finally get to campus, now it bears mentioning that the bus sometimes makes one stop on campus before it gets to the stop by the dorms. I jump off the bus at that first stop thinking we were at dorms and immediately begin pissing in a bush. The beginning of that piss was incredible such an intense feeling of relieve. This euphoric sensation would soon be erased when the fucking bus began to leave with Kathy still on it. I scream out “FUUUUUUUUCK WAIT FOR ME!!!” and try to flag it down with my pants down and cock out, which was to no avail. I begin to panic now realizing that my hopes of getting laid were slowly going down the drain. I sprint towards the dorm trying to beat the bus. I climb a fence in order to take a short cut, and instead stab my palm on the top of the metal fence and full off of it. I get to my feet, completely fucking filthy and proceed with my mission. Kathy told me where she lived earlier that night so I knew exactly where to go. I eventually get to her dorm, and knock on her door. She answers it only to see me standing there covered in dirt, a little bit of blood, probably some urine, and of course tons of sweat, also completely wasted. Having no regard for the way I looked and smelled I still tried to convince this girl to have sex with me. Needless to say I ended up back in my room all alone.

 Basically my love and primal instinct of pissing anywhere in public turned a solid night, into a disastrous one. I never heard from that girl again and can’t say that I’m surprised, but hey you know what they say “When you gotta go you gotta go”.

The Human Fire Hose

If you go to Albany and are under 21 then you have undoubtedly been to, or have heard of Chubbys. My freshman year I was able to get in with a chalked permit that said I was the same age as CC Sabathia. They really did not give a fuck back then, come to think of it Albany didn’t give a fuck back then either, wow do I miss those days and glad I'm 21 now. Anyways Chubbys was one of the most popular underage bars in town, my friends and I practically lived there freshman year. We have had many eventful nights at that hole in the wall, tiny tavern, but I would like to share the story of one of my more embarrassing nights.

Freshman year first semester, a rare night where I wasn’t out with the usual Montauk crew but instead decided to head downtown to Chubbys with a guy I was friends with at the time, Ging. I did plan on meeting some other friends from the third floor of Montauk hall that night but wanted to start early. Ging was down to start the night with me at Chubbys because like me he was a binge/early drinker enthusiast. He however was going to leave at like 11 to meet up with his other friends elsewhere, so we weren’t going to be drinking together the whole night. At the time I didn’t care because I thought my friends were going to meet me at Chubbys around that time anyway. This was a point in my life where I was optimistic about my friend’s commitment to plans.

Ging and I get to Chubbys at around 9 and begin pounding down beer. Chubbys is known for their cheap drink and beer specials, that night was $2 pitcher night. The other thing Chubbys is known for, is the low quality of their beer and drinks. I mean the majority of their customers were underage college students who would drink anything with alcohol in it so why would they waste money on top shelf booze. Case in point the beer they had on tap for $2 pitcher night was Keystone and Busch. It took me my entire freshman year to develop a tolerance for the repulsive taste of Keystone light, and to this day I will refuse to drink Busch beer, so needless to say each pitcher was a battle to take down. However having Ging there meant I had a partner to fight the good fight with me and drink these disgusting pitchers. If you’re asking yourself why the fuck would anybody do this, the answer to this question is quite simple. We were freshman, we didn’t drink because of how much we enjoyed the taste of beer, we drank to get fucking wasted and for that sole reason alone.

Anyway with Ging there drinking with me, these pitchers were tolerable at best. Plus like I said, back then we had no qualms about ignoring our taste buds or stomachs and were able to keep on buying cheap pitcher after cheap pitcher. After about 4 pitchers between the two us, and every random slutty looking girl whose cup I refilled so I could stare at their chest for a few seconds and flirt with them, we were starting to feel pretty drunk. Ging took a look at his phone and realized he was running late to meet his friends so he understandably left the bar. My friends however did not show up yet and weren’t answering my dyslexic text messages. This worried me, so what did I do? Buy more fucking pitchers of shitty beer. I think I had maybe a pitcher and a half to myself before I blacked out.

Due to the lack of witnesses, I do not know for certain if McMandy made an appearance which really doesn’t matter. What does matter was the fact that I yacked all over the place and was forcibly removed from the premises. I remember still puking all over the streets while I drunkenly wobbled towards the bus stop, with the bouncer yelling at me to go the fuck home. I was not the only one heading to the bus stop from Chubbys that time so technically I was not alone. Therefore I was able to make it back to campus alive.

I found out the next day that my friends ended up going to a different bar with other people on the floor, and just couldn’t reach me that night, which probably was bullshit but whatever. We did all decide to go out together that next night because it was our friend Soulja’s last night living on our floor. Where does Soulja want to spend his final night out with us?…Chubbys. Now there was no way I was not going to go out with everyone for Soulja’s farewell night, but I literally covered that fucking place with parts of my stomach the night before. I made the decision that I would go to Chubbys with everyone and see if I would get in. If they rejected me because of my actions the other night I would just have to go home alone, and be sober for a night. A high risk high reward situation and I was down.

We all get to Chubbys and to my surprise they let me in like any usual night which was a very relieving outcome. This did not mean that the bouncers had forgotten about my antics from the previous night. What I had overlooked was the fact that people constantly puke at and inside of Chubbys, so this was a normal thing to them.  One of the bouncers who was present the night of my vomiting spectacle decided to give my friends and I a detailed summary.

Big Black Bouncer: You were fucked up man

Me: Yeah I know

Big Black Bouncer: Yeah you were like a fucking human fire hose in here. This corner BLAHHHHHHHH, that corner BLAHHHHHHHHHH!!, outside BLAHHHHHHHH!!!, on this girls shoes BLAHHHHHHH!!, a fucking fire hose man I’m telling you

Me:  (while all my friends laugh at me hysterically) fuck my life

Big Black Bouncer: It’s all good man, made my night, you short drunk ass mutha fucka.

For the rest of the night my friends called me “the fire hose”, it was a humbling experience and one I’m able to look back on and laugh. This is just one story from our nights out at Chubbys and I would like to dedicate this post to that wonderful place of intoxicated fun. I am sad to say that Chubbys has had their liquor license suspended and will most likely be closed for quite some time. Rest in peace Chubbys, one of the finer establishments I’ve ever had the privilege of projectile vomiting in.

Israel

The pressure to write the story about my trip to Israel is immeasurable. How can I possibly do that amazing and spiritual journey justice in merely words on some random blog that only few people will ever look at. However I will give it my best shot, because after spending 2 weeks in a country that is younger than my grandma I feel compelled to at least summarize this truly eye opening, once in a lifetime experience. My trip was divided into two parts; the first ten days was with the Birthright group Young Judea, and the last four were with my Israeli family most of whom I had never met before that trip. I do not plan on sharing every single detail of my experiences in Israel, for it is too much for my lazy ass to write about and like I said before I do not believe I have the talent to describe the magnitude of the impact this trip had on me. I will however try to produce the most meaningful summary of this experience that I can.

From being dropped off at Newark airport the night after New Year’s Eve (still hungover), I began my 2011 in the most conflicted yet beautiful part of the world that I have ever seen. The rest of 2011 has a tall order to follow if there is anything preordained to happen this year that can top my visit to Israel. The only part of my trip that licked balls was being stuck in the middle seat for 10 hours on the plane. In the end I look at this uncomfortable experience has a small price to pay for what was ahead of me those next two weeks. 

From the opening wine blessing at Old Caesarea City, to saying goodbye to everyone in front of our bus in Tel Aviv the Birthright trip is something I would classify as a requirement for any young Jew to do. I found the Birthright trip to be well organized, it brought you to as many places as possible in the minimum 10 days you’re in Israel, and most importantly this trip was populated by a group of awesome people. I didn’t know a soul going on this trip when I arrived at Newark airport, but after I left the hotel in Tel Aviv to meet up with my Israeli cousins, I had met and gotten close to about 50 cool individuals over those remarkable 10 days. Most of them were older than me and from Philly, so I didn’t think I’d have anything in common with them, and at first I felt a touch of social anxiety. What I would find out was that the majority of this group was down to earth, and like me very appreciative of getting a free trip to Israel. So needless to say they were cool, down to party, had an open mind going into this experience, and they really did not give a fuck that I was from New York or still an undergrad. An overlooked common characteristic that I had with this group, a characteristic that I at the time didn’t think mattered so much was that we were all Jewish, and by the end of this trip I would look at this identity in new eyes.

I never considered myself to be religious, shit before this trip I only called myself Jewish to keep my family happy. After taking part in Birthright I have a whole new idea on what it means to be a Jew. Judaism is not simply a religious identity but a cultural one as well. It’s not all about keeping kosher and going to a Synagogue every Saturday. Being Jewish is about helping others, keeping your family close, having and respecting great traditions, and overall just being a good person. Having a sense of humor is also an integral part of the Jewish culture, after all just like they said on Seinfeld, “Our sense of humor as sustained us as a people for over 5000 years”. This is the message I took away from my trip to Israel, and the fact that Israel is like my home away from home. This can be attributed to the warm hospitality given to me by my cousins over there. They mention throughout various part of the Birthright tour that simply being Jewish means that Israel is your country which I agree with. However it is because of what I experienced while I stayed with my cousins for a few extra days, that I feel an even deeper connection to that incredible country.

Most of these people I have never met before and I wasn’t sure what to expect, but after being constantly fed great food, taken to other parts of the country I had yet to see, and given warm places to sleep for more than 2 hours, (just to name a few great things done for me); I truly felt like a part of their family. Even though we were all related by blood, it was those days in Israel that made it feel like a real and loving connection.

This is probably the most heartwarming story I have ever written, which wasn’t the type of genre I had intended to write for this blog. However after that those 2 weeks in Israel, those warm emotions are all I feel when I think about that trip.