I never really partied in the city when I was under 21. Mainly because I was always too cheap to buy a fake ID. The only time I went to a bar in the city was after prom and that was for like an hour until they kicked everyone out. The only other time I partied in the city before I turned 21 was this past summer, it was Fat’s birthday and his girlfriend at the time wanted to throw him a surprise party.
Our friend Pro has an apartment in the city that was chosen to host this event of intensive binge drinking and debauchery. Pretty much all of our friends showed up, Burgundy, Scope, Harry, Blanka, Serpico, and Spikes to name a few. The ones from Long Island went into the city together except for Burgundy because he’s a lazy bastard and decided to show up maybe minutes before the fucking surprise. Blanka and Harry came in from Grand Central and met us at Pro’s place. As you can tell we were rolling pretty fucking deep and were about to take part in one of the biggest sausage fests in the history of mankind. If it wasn’t for Fat’s sister’s and gf’s friends it would have maybe been all dudes there.
We get to Pros place and the guy fucking stocked up on the booze, and beer, I’d say his fridge looked pretty similar to Charlie Sheen’s, you know minus the 8 balls and dildos. Fat and his girl were running late so we decided fuck waiting for the surprise let’s start drinking. After games of beer pong, and a few shots, Pro gets the text that Fat was on his way so we all hide within the confines of Pro’s apartment. I take out my camera and feel like I’m in Cloverfield filming everyone before the big surprise. Little did I know that like Cloverfield a monster was about to hit Manhattan, except this monster wasn’t some colossal fucking sea creature, this monster was McMandy.
Fat finally gets to the apartment and we all run out to surprise him, which I can’t lie was pretty fucking cool. The guy was legitimately surprised, which makes sense since we all kept the party a secret, and the last thing Fat would expect is for us to do anything collaborative or organized for his birthday, I mean I have to say on the whole we are an extremely lazy group of friends. I filmed his reaction and if you can tell by my voice I was already kind of drunk.
Anyways once the “guest of honor” showed up the drinking intensified tenfold. 30 racks of beer were disappearing at an alarming rate. Shots of every type of liquor you can think of were being handed out and slammed down. I brilliantly decided to go shot for shot with everyone at the party, meaning every time a shot was being taken I was in on it. After a few hours of this I was wrecked, my speech was slurred, my balance was off, and my self control was completely out the fucking window. This meant only one thing McMandy has come to Manhattan (cue the dramatic scary music).
There’s a face I do to fuck with my friends and it comes out a lot when I’m hammered especially when I’m McMandy. We call it the “Sharkface” because that’s another nickname my wonderful friends bestowed on me for the way I hunt down girls to flirt with. Due to the way my eyes are when I do this face I have never been able to see exactly how I look like when I do it, until someone took a picture, this is how I look when I do the “Sharkface”.
If you're not terrified you should be, and props to Spikes for trying to add a shark fin i think
I don’t remember leaving Pro’s apartment; I only remember tiny bits of the rest of the night. I remember getting Falafel and the Hookah bar we ended up at. The Hookah bar is when my memory began to come back to me. I felt like pure shit, I was barely able to keep my head up at the bar. I receive a text from Blanka. Apparently he left early by himself because God knows why, and went home from Manhattan at like 2 am by himself. God knows what could have happened to the guy traveling alone in the city, I have no idea why no one tried to stop him. Then again we were all so fucking wasted that thinking clearly or logically was out of the question. Anyways Blanka texts me “Hey I got home safe man”, and I text him back “I don’t care”, wow am I a piece of shit.
We chill at the Hookah bar for a while, and then head back to Pro’s apartment. The majority of those at the Hookah bar especially yours truly, were in no shape to make it back home so we decide to crash at Pro’s place. By the way Pro got so fucking tanked he didn’t even make it out of his own apartment. I ended up passing out on his hard living room floor with a couch cushion as a pillow.
I wake up the next morning with possibly the worst fucking hangover I have ever had. I have extreme cotton mouth so I stumble into Pro’s kitchen desperately searching for water like I was James Franco in 127 hours. The kitchen was fucking destroyed, there were empty bottles EVERYWHERE; I laugh to myself about this but forget to take a picture unfortunately. A little later everyone else began waking up, Serpico, Harry and myself begin to head home, but not before Pro stumbles out of his room, in his boxers, still looking drunk and asks “what the fuck happened last night”.
Harry heads to Grand Central while Serpico and I catch the LIRR. Serpico was maybe the least drunk of us all because he was able to tell me about what I did that night. I never really drank with Serpico before that summer so needless to say he had never seen me as McMandy. He shakes his head during his entire recap of what I did while I was McMandy and suggests I seek counseling. My actions are listed below:
· I terrified Fat’s sister’s friends by hitting on them hardcore, and super aggressively
· I placed Scope in a pretty vicious wrestling hold
· We got pizza, my slice fell on the street and after a few minutes I picked it up and ate it
· I shouted obscenities at random people on the street
· I would go up to random hot girls on the street, give them the “Sharkface” and begin to approach them until Serpico pulled me away
I’m pretty sure there was more stuff I did but this is all I can recall. I believed every word of it, and really was not too surprised. After all McMandy is a dangerous, destructive animal, and has been the bane of my existence. Oh well at least it usually makes for a good story.
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