Dance Off With A Black Dude

When it comes to dance moves the man with the best moves in our crew is without question Fat. Put on any song and this motherfucker will bust out some of the dirtiest moves you will ever see. He has been called by many of us the “White Usher”.  However regardless of his limitless arsenal of moves I have one up on Fat, I’ve defeated a black dude in a dance off.

Fall semester, senior year, a group of girls I’ve known since freshman year, Giggles, White JLo, and Triple Ds are throwing a party in their apartment. We’ve gone way back with these girls, they lived on the infamous Montauk third floor with us, and we have partied with them many times before. What I dig most about these girls, besides the fact that they are really chill, is that they don’t care when I flirt with them so I basically can make as many sex jokes as I want and not feel like a complete asshole. I had been to their place a few times earlier that semester and every time I have gotten pretty trashed, these girls love to fucking drink and always have a ridiculous supply of booze.

Fat and I get there around 10ish and immediately start pounding down drinks. As usual the girls had stocked up on the booze, especially Tequila. While making drinks I notice two other girls I knew there. Giovanna a girl I met 4 times when I was blacked out drunk but didn’t recognize until recently that semester. She’s a cool chick and I have obviously tired hooking up with her but we decided to just be friends (she’ll come around soon enough). The other was another girl I hit on before, Giggle’s friend Beth.

Beth visited once freshman year and I remember this because she’s smoking hot, and I first met her when I was sober. Unfortunately the only time Giggles and Beth went out with us that weekend I was sweating my ass off as usual and just had no shot of getting with her. However tonight was going to be different, I am wiser than I was my freshman year, I’m not sweating that bad yet, and there’s a lot of booze, I should totally have a shot, or so I thought.

The night is going pretty good I’m dividing the time up between taking shots of Tequila/Whiskey/Rum with Fat and people at the party, reminiscing about dumb shit from freshman year with the girls, and of course flirting with Beth. She was friendly but I could tell my chances of hooking up with her were not good. She was somehow unmoved by my irresistible charm, drunken banter and dick jokes. This was disappointing but rejection happens when you flirt with every girl that moves.

I was getting desperate I really didn’t want to give up because I knew I’d never see Beth again, and like I said she was beautiful. There were some black guys at the party that we were friends with, cool guys, but kind of annoying. I think it was Triple Ds who was controlling the music, when a perfect song to dance to came on. For the life of me I can’t remember the song but it had one of those typical beats you would usually hear at a club. Immediately one of the black dudes begins busting out some solid dance moves in the middle of the apartment and the girls were feeling it. I fully expected Fat to challenge or join this guy but he was way too hammered, barley conscious sitting in a chair sending me multiple, retarded, drunk, illiterate, incoherent text messages.

Feeling significantly wasted myself, I decided as a last ditch effort to earn Beth’s affection, to call out the black dude to a dance off. Just for the record I thought that if I beat this black dude who was whipping out some insane moves in a dance off, Beth would be all over me. Yes, I am really fucking stupid when I booze.

I had no idea what I was doing but as soon as I squared off against this dude, I went berserk. Every single sexy white boy dance move you can think of was being done by me, all with exuberance and intensity. The entire apartment was dying with laughter. Triple Ds and Giggles were videotaping it, Fat and Giovanna were cheering me on, I felt like a God on the fucking dance floor, and the black dude was stunned, he straight up could not compete. I can’t lie I felt like the fucking man, even though I was sweating profusely, but that didn’t matter. I, a short chubby Jew from Long Island beat a black dude in a dance off.

                                          Here is a champion in action

Although I had achieved this impossible task, it did not help my chances with Beth, and I failed miserably at trying to hook up with her. It’s all good though I mean after all the real victory for me that night was the dance off against a black dude.

5 Random Ass Movies Worth Seeing Part 2

I have decided to take a break from sharing tales about my fuck ups and good times, to recommend 5 more random ass movies I think you should check out. This is my attempt to diversify this fucking blog and to give a shout out to some not entirely mainstream flicks that I have enjoyed. So without further introduction here are 5 random ass movies worth seeing.

1.       500 Days of Summer (2009)

Ok usually I fucking hate romantic comedies and would rather get punched in the balls by Manny Pacquiao than watch one, but 500 Days of Summer is outstanding. Joseph Gordon Levitt gives a LEGIT performance has a guy who falls deeply in love with the girl of his dreams, only to get absolutely fucking crushed by her. Great narration, great story, and the greatest depression induced convenience store purchase of all time (A carton of orange juice, a handle of whisky, and a shit load of Twinkies).

2.       Very Bad Things (1998)

Loved The Hangover? Here’s the complete twisted version of that hilarious classic. A dark and demented comedy, Very Bad Things had me in tears. Think loosing the groom after a bachelor party sucks? Try killing a stripper, a hotel security guard, and then becoming homicidally paranoid about your friends spilling the beans instead. It’s got a solid cast including Jeremy Piven, Christian Slater, Jon Favreau, and Cameron Diaz. If you have a fucked up sense of humor like me this movie is a must see.

3.       The Wackness (2008)

My words won’t do this movie justice but here’s my best attempt. I watched it on Burgundy’s computer two years ago and was mesmerized. Taking place in New York back in 94, The Wackness features a weed dealing teenager, who occasionally smokes with his shrink (who he also sells to), and this kid is just fucking miserable. Featuring an awesome soundtrack, The Wackness is a really solid flick to watch when you’re high, depressed, horny, or honestly whenever. Oh yeah and did I mention it’s got Sir Ben Fucking Kingsley in it?

4.       Go (1999)

Ever come across a random movie on TV you’ve never heard of and just decide to give it a shot? That’s what I did with Go and let me tell you that decision paid off in spades. Go has got it all; sex, drug dealing, undercover cops, violence, and an insane night in Vegas, all of which happen from three different perspectives. Not too many big names in this flick, but it does have Katie Holms, Timothy Olyphant, and Jay Mohr in the cast.

5.       Swimming with Sharks (1994)

In the summer of 2009 I worked in a warehouse and hated my piece of shit manager with a VIOLENT passion. Swimming with Sharks was exactly what I needed to watch, it was like therapy for me that summer, (well on top of my normal therapy). This indie movie is about a young guy who works for one of the biggest studio heads in Hollywood. If you can guess it, his boss is a fucking bastard, just flat out mutilates this guy’s outlook on life during the entire movie. One night (which is actually the beginning of the movie, it’s a flashback type of flick) the guy snaps, breaks into his boss’s house, ties him up and just fucking violently tortures him while recounting the horrible ways the boss has treated him. If you really hate your boss, watch this film it’ll make you feel better, trust me.

I know from the beginning I said I’d make this a solely story telling blog but hey, don’t hate. I just had a desire to spread my love for random ass movies.

McMandy Hits Manhattan

I never really partied in the city when I was under 21. Mainly because I was always too cheap to buy a fake ID. The only time I went to a bar in the city was after prom and that was for like an hour until they kicked everyone out. The only other time I partied in the city before I turned 21 was this past summer, it was Fat’s birthday and his girlfriend at the time wanted to throw him a surprise party.

Our friend Pro has an apartment in the city that was chosen to host this event of intensive binge drinking and debauchery. Pretty much all of our friends showed up, Burgundy, Scope, Harry, Blanka, Serpico, and Spikes to name a few. The ones from Long Island went into the city together except for Burgundy because he’s a lazy bastard and decided to show up maybe minutes before the fucking surprise. Blanka and Harry came in from Grand Central and met us at Pro’s place. As you can tell we were rolling pretty fucking deep and were about to take part in one of the biggest sausage fests in the history of mankind. If it wasn’t for Fat’s sister’s and gf’s friends it would have maybe been all dudes there.

We get to Pros place and the guy fucking stocked up on the booze, and beer, I’d say his fridge looked pretty similar to Charlie Sheen’s, you know minus the 8 balls and dildos. Fat and his girl were running late so we decided fuck waiting for the surprise let’s start drinking. After games of beer pong, and a few shots, Pro gets the text that Fat was on his way so we all hide within the confines of Pro’s apartment. I take out my camera and feel like I’m in Cloverfield filming everyone before the big surprise. Little did I know that like Cloverfield a monster was about to hit Manhattan, except this monster wasn’t some colossal fucking sea creature, this monster was McMandy.

Fat finally gets to the apartment and we all run out to surprise him, which I can’t lie was pretty fucking cool. The guy was legitimately surprised, which makes sense since we all kept the party a secret, and the last thing Fat would expect is for us to do anything collaborative or organized for his birthday, I mean I have to say on the whole we are an extremely lazy group of friends. I filmed his reaction and if you can tell by my voice I was already kind of drunk.

Anyways once the “guest of honor” showed up the drinking intensified tenfold. 30 racks of beer were disappearing at an alarming rate. Shots of every type of liquor you can think of were being handed out and slammed down. I brilliantly decided to go shot for shot with everyone at the party, meaning every time a shot was being taken I was in on it. After a few hours of this I was wrecked, my speech was slurred, my balance was off, and my self control was completely out the fucking window. This meant only one thing McMandy has come to Manhattan (cue the dramatic scary music).

There’s a face I do to fuck with my friends and it comes out a lot when I’m hammered especially when I’m McMandy. We call it the “Sharkface” because that’s another nickname my wonderful friends bestowed on me for the way I hunt down girls to flirt with. Due to the way my eyes are when I do this face I have never been able to see exactly how I look like when I do it, until someone took a picture, this is how I look when I do the “Sharkface”.

If you're not terrified you should be, and props to Spikes for trying to add a shark fin i think

I don’t remember leaving Pro’s apartment; I only remember tiny bits of the rest of the night. I remember getting Falafel and the Hookah bar we ended up at. The Hookah bar is when my memory began to come back to me. I felt like pure shit, I was barely able to keep my head up at the bar. I receive a text from Blanka. Apparently he left early by himself because God knows why, and went home from Manhattan at like 2 am by himself. God knows what could have happened to the guy traveling alone in the city, I have no idea why no one tried to stop him. Then again we were all so fucking wasted that thinking clearly or logically was out of the question. Anyways Blanka texts me “Hey I got home safe man”, and I text him back “I don’t care”, wow am I a piece of shit.

We chill at the Hookah bar for a while, and then head back to Pro’s apartment. The majority of those at the Hookah bar especially yours truly, were in no shape to make it back home so we decide to crash at Pro’s place. By the way Pro got so fucking tanked he didn’t even make it out of his own apartment. I ended up passing out on his hard living room floor with a couch cushion as a pillow.

I wake up the next morning with possibly the worst fucking hangover I have ever had. I have extreme cotton mouth so I stumble into Pro’s kitchen desperately searching for water like I was James Franco in 127 hours.  The kitchen was fucking destroyed, there were empty bottles EVERYWHERE; I laugh to myself about this but forget to take a picture unfortunately. A little later everyone else began waking up, Serpico, Harry and myself begin to head home, but not before Pro stumbles out of his room, in his boxers, still looking drunk and asks “what the fuck happened last night”.

Harry heads to Grand Central while Serpico and I catch the LIRR. Serpico was maybe the least drunk of us all because he was able to tell me about what I did that night. I never really drank with Serpico before that summer so needless to say he had never seen me as McMandy. He shakes his head during his entire recap of what I did while I was McMandy and suggests I seek counseling. My actions are listed below:

·         I terrified Fat’s sister’s friends by hitting on them hardcore, and super aggressively

·         I placed Scope in a pretty vicious wrestling hold

·         We got pizza, my slice fell on the street and after a few minutes I picked it up and ate it

·         I shouted obscenities at random people on the street

·         I would go up to random hot girls on the street, give them the “Sharkface” and begin to approach them until Serpico pulled me away

I’m pretty sure there was more stuff I did but this is all I can recall. I believed every word of it, and really was not too surprised. After all McMandy is a dangerous, destructive animal, and has been the bane of my existence. Oh well at least it usually makes for a good story.

My best stand up skit

It has recently dawned on me that I should probably post the link of my best stand up performance. so here it is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GniOSGvyPsw

And just for the fuck of it here's my other performance...not my best but still worth checking out if you have absolutely nothing to do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgueBtwecnU